Sunday, August 4th, 2024
When you look back on your life before college, what are some memories that you recall? Is it that beautiful dress you wore to your high school prom? Maybe it is the first kiss that you shared with the guy that made your heart flutter? Or is it cheering at the high school football games?
For me, high school was a difficult point in my life. I would like to say that I learned a lot about myself and matured during it. But, in reality, I think I just learned to survive on a day by day basis. Like any other girl my age, I dreamed of being prom royalty or having the boyfriend that every other girl in the school wanted, but those dreams drifted away when I woke up.
I have always been the good girl, the girl that did everything her parents asked. I did my homework, achieved decent grades. That being said, I am not a test taker, so my mixture of A’s and B’s were an accomplishment to me. However, looking back at life, I can see that while I may have been the girl that made my parents proud, I have never really experienced life. I am so sheltered, mostly by my own doing, that I lack confidence and knowledge that many other 18 year olds going to college, have already experienced. Now, weeks before setting out on my college adventure, I am finding myself longing to have these experiences, while being scared of going against my morals in the process. I am so confused on what is right or wrong, what I should do or shouldn’t do, or how I should even act, when I get where I am going. All of this confusion, makes me want to cry.
As I write this, I can’t help but think about how different my twin brother, Kevin’s life has been thus far. He was our school’s star quarterback, an achievement that has allowed him a full ride scholarship to a university in North Dakota. Kevin has a beautiful girlfriend, who I can’t stand, but that is a story for another day. His picture has been featured on the front of our town’s newspaper more times than I can count; I’m lucky to have achieved being in the background of a picture taken during our homecoming pep rally.
Kevin and I have always been super close while at home; however, since we hit high school, I didn’t exist to him in our school hallways. I lived in his shadow and there was no way of getting out of it, which is why I opted to go to a different college than him. I want to finally make a name for myself and live my own life. Maybe then I could crush this defeated feeling that I constantly feel in my gut.
With all that being said, I am going to make myself a promise. I am going to actually live my life from this point forward. It is okay to not always be the good girl. I am going to allow myself the experiences that will help me to grow and mature into the girl that I want to be. I don’t know who that girl is right now, but I can’t wait to find out. I hope that one day I can look back on this post and say to myself that all of these feelings have washed away and have been replaced by accomplishments and moments that make me smile. I got this, I know I do!
Love you all, talk to you soon!
